The Dangeresque Trilogy
by Radioactive
Summary: This is the story of Dangeresque's adventures with Dangeresque too in Dangeresque I, Dangeresque's mission to find the lost tape in Dangeresque II, and the never-before-seen-stuff-cause-I made-it-up, including my rendition of Dangeresque III.
1. Dangeresque, too?

**Two Years Ago**

Dangeresque fell from the air and landed on the asphalt.

The asphalt was the roof of a skyscraper, and Dangeresque has just finished performing the Hurricane Kick on a henchman named Killingyouguy.

"Nice one," said Dangeresque.

"Thanks," said Dangeresque.

By a sheer coincidence, there seemed to be two agents named Dangeresque in NASA.

No, not the National Aeronautics & Space Administration. In this instance, it stands for the National Agency of Secret Agents.

Both Dangeresque and Dangeresque (otherwise known as Dangeresque too) were the top agents of NASA. And not only were they secret agents, they were also detectives, police officers, SWAT team members and notable Celebrities Testimony speakers on Infomercials for things that turned stuff into liquid.

But anyway, as I was saying, Dangeresque too had just knocked out Killingyouguy, and now the two of them had to capture both Killingyouguy's employer and a criminal mastermind, Perducci.

"Alright," said Dangeresque. "Now that we've taken care of Killingyouguy, we have to do the same to Perducci."

Perducci stared at Killingyouguy's unconscious body.

"I can't believe it!" he cried. "You defeated Killingyouguy! Well, you may have gotten rid of my secret weapon, but you'll never get the serum!"

The serum Perducci was talking about was a top-secret serum that needed to be delivered to Cutesy Buttons, to prevent her from being kidnapped. But Perducci had it intercepted b/w stolen, so now she was at risk of…um…kidnappage...kiddnapping...uh...being kidnapped. It was Dangeresque and Dangeresque too's mission to get the serum back.

But anyway, Perducci now needed to escape with the serum.

Perducci pulled out a walkie-talkie and said into it, "I need to escape. Send over…_the escape vehicle."_

The two Dangeresques exchanged confused glances.

Just then, a huge helicopter with a big "P" pulled up onto the roof.

"A helicopter?" asked Dangeresque.

"This is going to take some quick thinking," said Dangeresque too.

"You get back the serum," said Dangeresque. "I'll handle Perducci."  
Even though both Dangeresque and Dangeresque too did not like Perducci, Dangeresque had been chasing Perducci for years, and was now closer than ever to catching him. So he needed to be the one to take him on.

Dangeresque too leapt forward, lunging at the serum.

Time seemed to be in slow motion, and you could see the next few events frame-by-frame.

Dangeresque too was in the air.

Perducci turned around in shock.

Dangeresque too was almost at the serum.

Perducci began to run away.

Dangeresque too's hands closed around the serum.

Perducci began to try to pull the serum from his grasp.

Dangeresque too pulled with all his might.

The serum slipped through Perducci's hands.

Dangeresque too landed on the roof.

Dangeresque too had gotten the serum back.

"The serum!" cried Perducci.

"Yes!" cried Dangeresque too.

Perducci turned to face Dangeresque.

"You may have gotten the serum,"he said, "but you'll never catch me!"

"That's where you're wrong," said Dangeresque with a determined look on his face.

Perducci jumped up into the helicopter.

"Go, go!" he yelled to the pilot.

"Not so fast!" said Dangeresque. Just as the helicopter began taking off, Dangeresque lunged at the landing skids. His boxing-gloved hands closed around them at the last second.

"Dangeresque!" cried Perducci.

"I've got you now!" cried the secret agent.

"Or so you think," responded the mastermind with a smile. "For little do you know I laced the skids with boxing glove lubricant!"  
"What?" cried Dangeresque. "No! Foiled again!"

Dangeresque's hands slipped off of the helicopter, and he felt himself falling through the air.

"No! I was so close! So close! Noooooooo…!"

Dangeresque landed with a thud on the roof of the skyscraper.

"You okay?" asked Dangeresque too.

"What? Yeah, no, yeah, course I'm awesome."  
Dangeresque stood up and brushed himself off.

Just then, a NASA helicopter pulled up. Renaldo (Dangeresque's co-worker) and Cutesy Buttons (Dangeresque's…your guess is as good as mine) got out.

"So, how'd it go?" asked Renaldo.

"Well, Perducci got away," said Dangeresque.

"But we got the serum!" said Dangeresque too.

"Perfect!" said Renaldo, taking the serum and handing it to Cutesy Buttons. "Nice work there, Dangeresque!"

"Thanks," said the two Dangeresques simultaneously. The two of them burst into laughter.

"Mmm," said Cutesy Buttons as she drank the serum. "Thanks for the serum, boys, now I won't be kidnapped."

Dangeresque looked around, and he didn't see any stairs/elevators.

"Uh oh," he said with a smile.

"Look's like we're gonna have to jump!" the two of the cried in unison, and they both leaped off the building, laughing all the way.

**Two Years Later**

**(Now)**

"I don't know about this, Dangeresque," said Renaldo. "Are you sure that tip-off was reliable?"

"Not entirely," replied Dangeresque, as he leaned back in his desk chair. "But sometimes, you gotta go on a little faith."

"Well, still, just so you know, if that guy who came up to you at Cool Weapons Surplus wearing a trenchcoat, a balaclava and a voice scrambler doesn't actually know where Perducci is hiding, and it turns out to be an ambush, don't blame me."  
"Okay. Blame you. Got it."

Dangeresque got up from his desk and pulled on his raincoat.

"I have a bad feeling about this."

"I've been tracking down this guy forsix years," Dangeresque said."I haven't seen him since the job with Dangeresque too. This may be my last chance to find him. I'm not gonna let him slip through my fingers again."

"Okay, I guess it's for the best."

Dangeresque pressed the button for the elevator, silently hoping that it would be broken so he could jump out the window. He sighed when he saw the elevator working perfectly.

He walked in and pushed the button for the bottom floor. The elevator went down there, Dangeresque walked across the NASA atrium and through an identity scanner as he left. As he did, a computer-simulated voice wished him a good day.

As he walked out, he found himself in pouring rain, so dark you cold barely seeyour handin front of you, not aided by the fact that is was the middle of the night.

He walked through that NASA parking lot guided by the various lamps scattered around. He finally made it to his favourite of his many cars, a white Corvette van. He got in, and started driving, making sure he followed his contact's directions exactly.

He drove south down Santa Monica and up through Glendale over to Route 91. After driving south for a few miles, Dangeresque found himself at the train station. Needless to say, there was no one there. It was nearly deserted.

Dangeresque checked his watch. It was 3:15 AM.

Just then, the far-off lights of a freight train coming into town far down the tracks could be seen.

_Right on time, _though Dangeresque.

As the train pulled up, Dangeresque stood perfectly still as the roar of the engine thundering across the tracks, the gust wind of from the cars rushing past his face, and the screech of the wheels as the train slowed down. When the train finally came to a full stop, Dangeresque was standing right next to the last car in the train. And in the last car, Dangeresque could see, huddled in a pile of hay, convinced no one knew he was there, Perducci.

"Dangeresque!" cried Perducci in horror. "How did you…?"  
"Okay," said Dangeresque, talking into a walkie-talkie, "Yeah, it's him. Move in, guys."

A swarm of policeman ran out from their hiding places and held up their guns.

"Freeze, Perducci!" yelled one of the cops.

Dangeresque smiled.

"You're goin' away for a long time, Perducci," he said.

Dangeresque walked off with a smirk on his face.

His cell phone rang. He took it out and checked the caller ID. It said the name could not be displayed. Dangeresque pressed "talk".

"_He was there, wasn't he?" _said the voice on the other end happily.

"Was he ever!" Dangeresque said. "I can't believe you found out where Perducci's hiding place was!"

"_Aww, come on, man! I would never let you down!"_

"I owe ya one. See you later," said Dangeresque.

"_You too,"_ said Dangeresque too, and the line went dead.

Dangeresque closed the phone.


	2. This Time, it's Not Dangeresque 1

Author's Notes: Sorry about the delay.

* * *

"This is bad news, alright. Very bad news."

The person who was talking was Renaldo, the person he was talking to was Dangeresque, the bad news he was talking about was the missing tape, and the salad he had eaten for lunch half an hour ago was Caesar.

The tape was a top-secret NASA tape that contained information about the secret plans of Hobbes, a real evil villain. He was planning to steal something really big, and NASA needed that tape to stop him. Or else the thing would be stolen. Probably. Whatever it was.

So, naturally, NASA had given the job to their top agent, Dangeresque.

Renaldo had figured out the news from the most recent issue of _The Daily Newspapes_, which had an article saying _"MISSING TAPE STOLEN! Dangeresque seen on the case. For real."_

The paper had said that the tape that was stolen was already missing because Jeff the janitor had dropped it when we was locking up all the Secret Bad Guy Plans Tapes Type Stuff in the Secret Bad Guy Plans Tapes Type Vault.

"It's not gonna be easy," said Dangeresque, putting down the paper, "finding that missing tape."

"Well, Dangeresque," said Renaldo reassuringly, "if anyone can do it, I'm sure you can."

Dangeresque smiled. "You're right, Renaldo," he said.

He paused, and looked around.

"But the elevator's broken in this building," he commented. "So I'm gonna have to jump!"

Jumping off skyscrapers was one of Dangeresque's favourite things to do. He was very good at jumping, and he never got hurt when he landed.

He ran up to the window, opened it up, crouched down, and leaped forward into the air. He fell through said air, and landed in the NASA Shark Pond, which was to guard Headquarters from bad guys. Who were afraid of sharks. Which was most.

Dangeresque easily dodged the sharks, and walked out to look for the tape.

When he got to his Corvette, there was a envelope in the seat. It said this:

_Anonymous Tipster_

_482 Back Alley_

_Nowhere In Particular 90210_

_Dangeresque_

_142 West Secret Agency Drive_

_Mundelow, PA 80808_

Dangeresque frowned at the words "West Secret Agency Drive."

He looked around. There was indeed, a street sign saying _W SECRET AGENCY DR_. He looked around, and also saw, indeed, the entire street was made up of the secret headquarters of secret Names-With-Abbreviations Agencies.

There were all the big ones: FBI, CIA, UN, NATO, INTERPOL, KGB, YMCA, REM.

Dangeresque shrugged.

"Hmm. Learn something new every day."

He opened the letter and read it. It looked like this:

_Read this if you're Dangeresque, but don't read it if you're not Dangeresque, by which I mean you shouldn't not read it if you're Dangeresque, and you shouldn't don't not un-read it if you aren't not are Dangeresque._

_I am an anonymous tipster, and I have an anonymous tip for you. Hobbes is the one who has the tape. He stole it so NASA couldn't get it. Rumour has it, Hobbes' henchman Killingyoud__ude, brother of the late Killingyouguy_

Dangeresque stopped reading.

"Killingyouguy's dead?" he said. "Oh, man, this is gonna be a lot of paperwork."

He continued reading.

_You are probably surprised that I labelled Killingyouguy as late. No, he's not dead. But as I am writing this, I am at a party that I invited Killingyouguy to, and he's late. He hasn't shown up yet._

_But anyway, Killingyoudude is located at 374 Henchman Lane. Be there…or be square._

_Synonymously,_

_Ken Adams. I mean—Anonymous Tipster._

"Henchman Lane?" cried Dangeresque.

He narrowed his eyes.

"Let's roll."

He car thundered into motion, as it roared down the street at top speeds, ready to get to Henchman at Main as fast as he could.

The ride lasted about 7 seconds. Henchman was right next to Secret Agency.

He jumped out and ran into the conveniently unlocked door.

Killingyoudude was in there, chowin' on some teddy Grahams. He was the spitting image of Killingyouguy.

"DANGERESQUE!" yelled Killingyoudude.

"I know you have the tape!" said Dangeresque.

"I'LL NEVER CRACK!" yelled Killingyoudude.

"Oh, a tough guy, eh? Well, looks like I'm gonna have to use some negotiation techniques."

So he did.

"Either give me that tape, or punch me in the face!" Dangeresque declared.

So he did.

"DAAA!" exclaimed Killingyoudude, as he punched Dangeresque in the face.

"Ow."

Dangeresque, who had been punched so hard, he had fallen through the door, quickly got up, brushed himself off, and ran back into the house. The tape was gone.

"What the? What happened to the tape?" cried Dangeresque.

"FEDEX!" yelled Killingyoudude.

"FedEx?" cried Dangeresque. "You got it FedEx'd away that fast? Aww, man! CURSE YOU FEDEX AND YOU'RE SURPRISINGLY FAST SERVICE!"

**FedEx Corporation Headquarters  
Memphis, Tennessee**

A thousand miles away, FedEx's CEO reached over for his mug of coffee on his desk, but he accidentally knocked it over.

"Aww, man," he muttered.

* * *

**Back in Mundelow**

A FedEx truck pulled up behind Jackson, one of Hobbes' minions. A FedEx guy got out and handed Jackson a large tape-shaped package.

"Sing here," said the FedEx guy.

"Okey-dokey," said Jackson. He did.

"Initial here."

He did.

"Phone number here."

He did.

"Favorite movie here."

He almost did.

"Wait—what?"

"Sorry. I'm lonely."

"Can I just have this thing?"

"Fine..." he sighed.

And then added under his breath, "...ifyouagreetogivemeamilliondollarsifyousayanythingwithinthenextfiveseconds."

"What?"

"Got it," he said happily, holding up a tape recorder. He ran off.

Just then, Dangeresque walked out of his friend's basement, having finished a particularly loud game of Pinged Pong.

Jackson opened up the package, and sure enough, inside it, was the tape.

"I'd better get this to Hobbes," he said to himself. He held up the tape to examine it, but the sun got in his eyes, and he dropped it.

He was going to pick it up, but suddenly, he noticed Dangeresque walking towards him. He drew back and turned around, hoping Dangeresque wouldn't see him.

* * *

Dangeresque groaned. Finding the tape was like finding…well, I don't like similes. Finding the tape was hard. 

Dangeresque groaned as he examined himself in the ping pong racket he had covered with tin foil and now used as a makeshift mirror.

"Where is that missing tape?" he said to himself.

Jackson nervously began to back away. Then he took off running.

Then he ran back, got the tape, and took off running again.

Dangeresque saw Jackson.

"Hey! You're one of Hobbes' minions! Uh…Hobbes's…Hobbe's…Hobbes'es… Hobbes'…yeah, that's it, Hobbes'…you're one of Hobbes' minions! Come back here!"

Dangeresque chased Jackson for half an hour, and he finally reached a large abandoned warehouse.

There was a loud whirring sound, like lots of gears revving into power. And sure enough, the huge doors began to close.

Jackson made it in just as the doors shut. Dangeresque slammed into the wall with a loud thud.

Just then, a huge cage was dropped from above, and Dangeresque was trapped.

A smoke bomb was also dropped. The cage was flooded with smoke, and Dangeresque felt himself pass out.

* * *

When he came to, he was in a jail cell. But he was notin any normal jail. It was the secret warehouse lair of Hobbes. 

Dangeresque saw a huge big-screen TV, and a huge VCR, ready to have the missing tape played in it.

He saw Hobbes on a balcony overlooking the huge room. He was sitting in front of a control panel, stroking his pet The Cheat, Zachary.

On the control panel, there was a large lever that someone had rigged to drop a large weight on Dangeresque's head.

"Ah!" said Hobbes. "So glad to see you could come. The snack table's over there."

"What?"

Dangeresque turned around. There was a snack table in his cell. He picked up some nachos and dipped them in guacamole.

"Alright, Hobbes," said Dangeresque. "Time to put a stop to this. I am going to make sure you don't see that tape!"

"Oh, you won't, will you? I mean, won't you? I mean, won't not will you? I mean...oh, forget it. We'll see about that!"

Hobbes laughed as he stroked Zachary.

"Welcome to oblivion, Dangeresque!" said Hobbes, pronouncing 'Dangeresque' as 'Danger-skew.'

Hobbes pulled the lever, and a huge weight tumbled from above, and fell onto Dangeresque's head painfully.

* * *

Dangeresque woke up a few hours later, in pain, but alive, and to his relief, saw that Hobbes had not yet played the tape. 

"Why haven't you played the tape yet?" asked Dangeresque.

"I wanted you to be able to see me see it," said Hobbes.

"Oh."

Hobbes walked up to the VCR, held up the tape, slipped it in to the port and began moving his hand towards the play button.

Dangeresque, knowing that if he failed this mission, he would lose 5 from his paycheck, needed to think fast.

He looked around, and conveniently saw a Frisbee lying next to him in the cell. He picked it up, threw it through the bars, and just as the tape was about to play, the Frisbee hit the "reset" button on the VCR, setting the clock back to 12:00.

"NO!" howled Hobbes. "That takes forever to set back! It'll take days before I can play that tape!"

Just then, the VCR, now useless, exploded. One of the pieces of shrapnel fell into the padlock on Dangeresque's cell, and conveniently unlocked the tumblers. The door swung open.

Dangeresque ran out, and headed for the door with haste. A group of guards began chasing after him, but he tipped over a vat of Diet Lemon Coke. The guards all slipped, slided, and tumbled to the ground.

Dangeresque ran out just as the doors closed.

**

* * *

**

Dangeresque, now wary that he had to be more careful, sat on the bench in Simpkins Park, wondering how he could get that tape off. He wasn't worried about time, though, because he knew that Hobbes would wait until Dangeresque was in his captivity for him to watch the tape.

Just then, Cutesy Buttons, Dangeresque's…girlfriend, maybe?…ran up to him.

"Dangeresque!" she said. "I heard that you were going to try to get back that tape."

"Yeah, that's the plan."

"But that's such a dangerous—"

"Esque."

"Yes, such a dangeresque plan!"

"Hey, look who you're talking too," said Dangeresque. "Dangeresque's my middle name!"

He paused.

"And…my first…"

"I won't watch you die, Dangeresque!" said Cutesy sadly.

"Don't worry, Cutesy Buttons," assured Dangeresque. "Tonight, dyin's not on the menu…"

He paused, and looked around. He didn't see any escalator.

"…so I'm gonna have to jump!"

He hurled himself off a third- story window. Needless to say, he survived.

* * *

He went back to his office at NASA and told Renaldo his plan. 

"So, this is my plan," said Dangeresque. "I push a dummy of me off a cliff, so Hobbes'll think I'm dead, right? So then, Hobbes, thinking that even though he wanted to see the tape with me in his captivity, he won't be able to do that, so he's gonna have to watch the tape without me, right? So then, just as he's about to play the tape, I swing in on a rope, and grab the tape out of his hands, and all will be well!"

"Sounds like a plan," said Renaldo.

* * *

So Dangeresque sent a letter to Hobbes, telling him to come to Notes Cliff, where he would fake his death by making it look like he jumped of the cliff. He rounded up a dummy, put a wrestling mask and some shades on it, and put it beside a cliff. He hid behind a bush. 

He took out a tape recorder and put it on the dummy. He pressed play.

* * *

Hobbes, who was sitting in a helicopter about fifty feet away, to his delight, heard (or thought he heard) Dangeresque say, "Look's like I'm gonna have to jump!" and then jump off Notes Cliff, which was a fall no one could survive. 

"Yes! This is great!" cried Hobbes. "Dangeresque is dead! Oh, wait…now he won't be able to see the tape…well, it won't be the same, but I guess I'll still watch it…hey, pilot! Bring this chopper back to the heli-pad. I'm going to watch the tape!"

* * *

Dangeresque followed the helicopter in his corvette all the way back to Hobbes' secret warehouse base. He climbed up the ladder onto the roof, and peered a skylight. He saw Hobbes walk in, holding the tape. 

Now was the time. With expert timing, he timed the time it would be until the time when Perducci would put in the tape.

"And…" timed Dangeresque, "time!"

It was, indeed, the right time. He flung open the skylight and hurled himself in the nick of time!

But then he realised…he had no rope.

* * *

Dangeresque would have crashed to the ground, had it not been for his trusty brand name Floss-O-String. 

He took out the floss and rolled it out and threw it around a conveniently placed flagpole. He swung towards the ground at full speed, and just as Hobbes was about to put in the tape, Dangeresque kicked the tape out of Hobbes' hands and into the air, where Dangeresque grabbed it.

"Oh, biscuits!" said Hobbes.

The floss continued to swing up. Dangeresque finally jumped off and landed on a windowsill.

"Yes!" said Dangeresque. "Score one for the cool guys!"

"Yay!" said all of Hobbes' minions.

"By which I mean, us," said Dangeresque.

"Aww…" said all of Hobbes' minions.

Dangeresque looked down at the third story window he was now on.

"Uh-oh…the elevator on this window," said Dangeresque, "is nonexistent…so I'm gonna have to jump!"  
Dangeresque leapt out of the window.

* * *

"One again, Dangeresque does it again!" said Renaldo back at headquarters, the tape in his hands. "Great work!" 

"Aww, it was nothing," said Dangeresque. "Except sneaking into an criminal mastermind's lair from the roof and getting a top-secret tape back without his being able to stop me."

"Yeah, that," said Renaldo. "But I've got bad news. The tape fell into the shark pond, and we need someone to get it out."

"Easy as cake!" said Dangeresque. "Or is it pie? I think it's cake…yeah—well, maybe not…let's see. Easy as pie. Easy as cake. Yeah, I think it is pie. Easy as pie, Renaldo!"

"You sure you're up to this?" said Renaldo. "Sounds pretty dangerous."

Dangeresque smiled.

"No…sounds Dangeresque!"


	3. Put 'Em on Ice!

"Mmm…that's good."

"Strange combination."

"Meh. If you can make a good thing better, than do."

He took a bite out of his pepperoni-salami-meatball-three cheese-extra sauce-thick crust pizza.

"This is so weird," said Dangeresque.

"We're still trying to figure out how it happened," said Mr. Thompson.

"This is just awesome," said Dangeresque. "And I can't believe I got this for free!"

He took another bite.

"I don't even remember entering this contest," he said. "Where are you from again?"

"I'm from a small law firm just outside of town."

"Well, since I'm a cop, detective, and secret agent, I don't have much need for a lawyer. Why was I entered in this contest?"

"I'm not sure," said Mr. Thompson. "The contest was originally only for customers. Out of the people who use our firm, whoever won got to either get their next trial for free, or be able to pick their own prize, as long as it cost a maximum of 10 dollars. Most people chose the free trial, but whoever entered you in chose a 9 dollar pizza combo down at Malone's."

Dangeresque looked around at the small pizzeria he ate at every Friday.

"Whoever entered me in this contest sure knows what I like," said Dangeresque. "What's your name again?"

"Mr. Thompson."

"Right, right. How did you get my entry again?"

"Well, everyone else who entered came into the office and dropped it in the ballot box. Whoever entered your…entry…took a ballot without anyone noticing."

"So you were robbed?" said Dangeresque.

"Well, technically, yes," said Mr. Thompson.

"Well, even though it's so minor," said Dangeresque, "I _am _a cop, no matter how crooked, so we still have to write up a theft report. Let's go."

Dangeresque and Mr. Thompson got up. Dangeresque grabbed his dark-teal jacket off the back of his chair.

"Nice jacket," said Mr. Thompson. "Where'd you get it?"

"Oh, I don't know. I found it on my desk yesterday," said Dangeresque.

"I see," said Mr. Thompson.

**

* * *

Dangeresque and Renaldo's Office at NASA  
****Mundelow, PA**

When Dangeresque and Mr. Thompson got to his office, Renaldo was there.

"Hey, Dangeresque," said Renaldo. "Who's this?"

"This is Mr. Thompson from a law firm just outside of town," said Dangeresque. "He just moved here, and is having trouble making friends."

"It's true," said Mr. Thompson.

"But the main thing is that Mr. Thompson got robbed," said Dangeresque.

"A robbery?" said Renaldo. "What kind?"

"The kind with those prickly things on the end," said Dangeresque.

"Oh," said Renaldo. "Those are the worst. Want a mug of hot cacao?"

"Sure," said Dangeresque. He took the mug from Renaldo and began drinking it. It was indeed, hot, and very good. "But anyway, Mr. Thompson here got an entry ballot for a contest his law firm was putting out."

"No one was around when it was taken?"

"No. No one," said Mr. Thompson. "I have no idea how this person got it."

"I do," said Renaldo.

"You do?" said Dangeresque. "Whoa! Only 30 seconds of knowledge, and you've already got a lead! Who is it?"

"I did it," said Renaldo.

"Hrkgt?"

"And I didn't steal it, neither," said Renaldo. "I took a ballot like everyone else did. But the guy handing them out was getting a cup of coffee at the time."

"_Larry!"_ said Mr. Thompson.

"Why did you enter me in this contest, man?" said Dangeresque.

"The same reason I gave you that hot chocolate, and gave you that winter jacket."

"What's this reason's name?"

"Well, there's a new mission for you, and I wanted to give you as many warm things as I could beforewe left, since it's pretty cold where you're going."

"What's this place's name?"

"Iceland."

"I see. Why am I going to Iceland?"

"Your old nemesis, Jeremy Lowe, has stolen the rare jewel, the Jack Emerald," said Renaldo. "We need you to go get it back."

"What a dangeresque mission," said Dangeresque.

"Our plane leaves in a few minutes, so we need to get there right away," said Renaldo.

"Hmm…a few minutes, eh?" said Dangeresque. "No time to use the stairs. Looks like we're gonna have to jump!"

Dangeresque and Renaldo jumped out of the building. They landed in the parking lot. The drove down to the airport and flew to Iceland.

**

* * *

Iceland International Airport  
Reykjavik, Iceland**

When the plane touched to the ground and came to a halt, Dangeresque and Renaldo descended the staircase and into the airport. All around, all they could see was ice and snow. Hence the name. And it was indeed very chilly.

"Where was the emerald seen last?" asked Dangeresque.

"It was being held under guard down at Gate B here at the airport," said Renaldo.

"We'd better go talk to the guard," said Dangeresque.

The two of them walked down the hallway from Gate F to Gate B. There, they met up with the guy who had been on guard duty the night of the robbery, T.J. McDowell.

"So, what happened on Thursday?" asked Dangeresque.

"Well, I was standing here, guarding the Jack Emerald, and then it disappeared into nowhere," said T.J. McDowell.

"That's all?"

"Yep."

"You didn't see Jeremy Lowe or any of his minions?"

"No."

"Oh, well, okay. See ya later, McDowell," said Dangeresque.

"And I, you," said T.J. McDowell.

Dangeresque frowned.

"I wouldn't bet that guy's not really not one of Lowe's minions," said Dangeresque.

Just then, a man walked by holding Jack Emerald-handling gloves walked by.

"Hey!" said Dangeresque. "What are you doing with those gloves?"

"Who the _exclamation_ are you, and what's your job?" asked the man.

"Both my name and my job is very Dangeresque," he said.

"Dangeresque?" said the man. "Oh, this is _negative remark_!"

The man took off running. Dangeresque started running after him. But the man got onto his Skidoo and rode off away, out of sight.

Unfortunately, the sharp metal skids of the Skidoo slashed the ice, and huge cracks soon formed around Dangeresque.

"Uh-oh," said Dangeresque. "Looks like I'm gonna have to be submerged in this sub-zero water!"

And he was. His body slowly drifted into the murky blackness of the sea.

**

* * *

****To Be Discovered  
Reykjavik, Iceland**

For a second, Dangeresque thought the worst as the bright light shone down on him. He suddenly realised that he had just fell into the water, so he must have taken in a good amount of water. He slung his head down and coughed as hard as he could. He lay on his back and closed his eyes as he waited for the pain in his throat to subside.

"Dangeresque," said a loud voice. "Glad you could make it."

Dangeresque recognized the voice. He sat bolt upright and looked around.

He was in a jail cell inside his captor's secret lair. He looked around at where the cell was. It was a large stone room with a linoleum mezzanine overlooking it. And atop that mezzanine, stroking his pet The Cheat, Timothy, was none other than Dangeresque's old foe, Jeremy Lowe.

"Oh, man!" said Dangeresque. "Not you!"

"Yes, me!" said Jeremy. "How do you like my Emerald Room?"

Dangeresque looked around. It was called the Emerald Room because on the mezzanine, in a large glass holder, was the Jack Emerald.

Jeremy laughed.

"Nice, huh? Anyway, my sensors picked up that you encountered a bit of a pickle with my minion, Mr. Hopkins. HOPKINS!"

A voice from behind a door at the back of the mezzanine said, _"Yeah?"_

"Come out here!" said Jeremy.

Mr. Hopkins walked out. It was, indeed, the same guy that was on the Skidoo. He was wearing a nametag that said _Hello, my name is Anderson_.

"You!" said Dangeresque.

"_Sarcastic retort_!" said Anderson Hopkins.

"I have come here to show you my greatest thing ever!" said Jeremy. "It is—!"

"You stole the Jack Emerald."

"Yeah. How did you know?"

"It says it on your T-shirt."

"Well, I like to advertise it," said Jeremy. "BUT ANYWAY! I have now stolen the Jack Emerald, with a little help from my minion…none other than T.J. MCDOWELL!"

Dangeresque gasped. Out walked McDowell.

"McDowell!" said Dangeresque. "I knew it!"

"And now," said Jeremy, "I will use this diamond to take over the world!"

"How?" asked Dangeresque.

"Uh…" said Jeremy. "Well…you see…um…uh…well…Hopkins? Any ideas?"

"Sell it on eBay, sir?"

"ELECTRONIC BAY! Brilliant, Hopkins!"

"Thank you, sir."  
_  
I've got to get that diamond back,_ thought Dangeresque.

_Emerald,_ corrected no one in particular.

_Whatever,_ though Dangeresque. _But how?_

He looked around at the cell.

He had been locked in prison cells before, but this one seemed the most secure. He didn't see any way he could possibly get out.

He thought for a long time. He slunk his head against the cell bars and closed his eyes in deep thought.

Then his eyes shot open.

And then he realised how to get out of the cell.

**

* * *

Jeremy Lowe's Office  
Reykjavik, Iceland**

"How much are we in debt?"

"About 12, 000 dollars."

"Oh, great. Isn't this magical."

Jeremy leaned back in his chair and put his feet on his desk.

"Well, what cutbacks have we made?" he asked.

"Well, we only drink Diet Cokes now," said Anderson. "And we've eliminated _Free Money Giveaway Day_."

"Great. What else?"

"Well, some of these cutbacks are _positive remark_, but most of them are _negative remark_."

"Answer the question."

"Well…we had to make the prison cell bars out of foam instead of metal."

"Did we now?"

"Yup."

"Who's responsible?"

"Uh…McDowell."

"Is there really no other minions you could have blamed this on?" asked Jeremy. "Particularly, one not in this room?"

"Well, no, not really. You've only got two minions."

"Oh?"

"More cutbacks."

"Crap. Well, T.J., could you provide us with a security report?"

"Yes, sir," said McDowell.

"What's the security report?"

"Our prisoner escaped."

"What? How?"

"The prison bars were made out of foam."

"Hopkins, you're fired."

"Yes, sir."

"Well, go round up the guards and send them out after him."

"Yes, sir."

**

* * *

Outside Jeremy Lowe's Castle Lair  
Yes, it's a castle.  
It just hasn't come up yet, okay?  
Reykjavik, Iceland**

Dangeresque found himself cornered by several of Jeremy's minions, and Jeremy's The Cheat, Timothy.

"Uh-oh," said Dangeresque. "I'm cornered…and there's no way to run out of here…so I'm gonna have to—!"

Just then, the ice broke, and Dangeresque fell into the water.

With a loud, "Meh!" Timothy threw a rose at him.

**

* * *

Prison Cell  
The Emerald Room  
****Jeremy Lowe's Castle Lair  
Reykjavik,  
Iceland**

Jeremy groaned.

"You know, I'm not your body guard, Dangeresque," he said.

"Ain't that the truth," said Dangeresque.

Da-da-doo-_chiii!_

"Why do you even keep saving me?"

"I don't know," said Jeremy. "So I can throw you in jail?"

"How many jail cells do you have?" asked Dangeresque, looking around at his cell.

"About…" said Jeremy, "…uh…McDowell?"

"One, sir," said T.J. McDowell.

"Ah, yes," said Jeremy. "One, Dangeresque. And since you made that big hole in the bars last time, and now you can get out of the cell, don't, you know…try to."

"Oh, sorry, what?" said Dangeresque. "I wasn't listening. I was taking back the Jack Emerald."

"Oh, crap!" said Jeremy, seeing Dangeresque was already out of the cell and holding the emerald. "McDowell, get the guards!"

"We don't have any guards," said T.J.

"Then who were the guys who cornered Dangeresque with Timothy?"

"No one, sir. They were halucinations. Dangeresque was drinking soy sauce."

"Hey!" said Dangeresque. "I go to Soy Sauce-oholics Anonymous!"

"Well, be that as it may," said Jeremy, "you cannot leave. Sick 'em, Timmy!"

"Meh meh-heh!" said Timothy. He threw a bust of Van Buren at Dangeresque. Dangeresque dodged it, and it crashed through a window. Normally, the alarm would have gone off, but since that's only if someone with fingerprints uses it, nothing happened, except a large hole big enough for Dangeresque to fit through appeared.

"Thanks, man," said Dangeresque.

Dangeresque jumped out the window and fell to the icy ground. He pushed off from the wall, and began to slide back towards the airport with the Jack Emerald.

"After him!"

"I can't do that, sir."

"Why?"

"Only workers can chase after foes."

"And you don't work here?"

"As of twenty seconds ago, no."

"Why not?"

"More budget cuts."

"Ah. Timothy?"

"Meh meh-meh."

"Aww! You can't quit too!"

"Meh, meh. Meh-meh meh."

"Did you say 'too smart' or 'you smart'?"

"Meh meh."

"Oh. Well, you are not too smart to work here!"

"Meh meh-meh. Meh-heh meh meh."

"Well, then what's the meaning of life, braniac?"

"Meh meh-meh…heh-meh heh. Meh meh, meh-meh meh."

"Really?"

"Meh!"

"Oh man…that's the meaning of life…it's all so simple now…I'm going to go change my MSN username to that to spread the word!"

"Meh meh-heh."

Timothy and T.J. jumped out the window and slid up beside Dangeresque.

"Oh, no! I'm being chased!"

"Actually, we've switched sides."

"Oh, cool!"

So they slid back to the airport, put back the diamond—  
Emerald.  
Whatever. They put back the emerald, got a more trustworthy guard, missed their plane, and hitchhiked back home.

**

* * *

Dangeresque and Renaldo's Office**  
**Mundelow, PA**

"Great work getting the Jack Emerald back, Dangeresque!" said Renaldo.

"Nothing to it, Renaldo," said Dangeresque.

"Oh, I agree," said T.J. McDowell.

"Meh-heh meh," said Timothy.

"Good news, Dangeresque," said Renaldo. "Because of your doing so good on this mission, the agency's decided to promote you!"

"Cool! To what?"

"You're getting promoted from crooked cop-private eye-celebrity pharmacist to crooked cop-private eye-celebrity orthodontist!"

"Yes!" said Dangeresque. "Let's go celebrate at Malone's!"

Dangeresque looked around.

"But the elevator's in the shop for repairs," he said.

The four of them smiled.

"LOOK'S LIKE WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO JUMP!"

"MEH HEH MEH MEH-MEH MEH HEH MEH!"

And the jumped out the window.

**

* * *

15 Seconds Later**

Mr. Thompson came into the office.

"Okay!" he said. "I'm ready to go denerdification spray shopping like you said! Do you know any good stores?"

Silence.

"Dangeresque? Dangeresque? Hello? Oh, man…I hate being the new kid on the block."

Mr. Thompson walked off sadly.

His life remained miserable for about 20 seconds more, until New Kids On The Block's lawyers sued him for copyright infringement and he lost all his money. Then he was doubly miserable.

Author's Notes: I wanted to end this chapter on a happy note. I'll rely on your guys' feedback to see if I should write _The Criminal Projective_.


	4. The Criminal Projective

"This is going to be my greatest accomplishment ever," said Millms.

He strode silently towards the window and looked over the city.

"My city," he said to himself.

"Not yet," reminded Alex.

"But it will be, by tomorrow," said Millms with a smile.

"Uh…no," said Alex. "Tomorrow, we have to return that movie to the store."

"Blast!" said Millms. "I forgot."

He looked over the city again.

"As I was saying, this is going to—"

"I don't know why you just buy them," interrupted Alex.

"I keep telling you, Alexandria!" said Millms. "I'm broke, remember? I have no money!"

"Then why did you just buy ten pounds of licorice at the gift shop?"

"I told you, those are impulse items!" said Millms. "But other than that, I really am broke."

"I know, I know," muttered Alex as she leaned against the window. "Which is why you had to go to the Empire State Building to be able to look over the city menacingly instead of from some evil lair."

"Precisely," said Millms. "Anyway, this is my city!"

"Yeah, about that," said Alex. "What is the deal with you calling New York 'your city'? We're not even going after New York, we're going after that place out west, Mundelow."

"Yes…well…it's cheaper than New York."

"Everything is."

"Okay, right, now, we need to get to the train station."

"You can't afford a train."

"No, I meant the freight train station. We're going to get there in one of those hay-cars like the hobos use."

"Not many vehicles we use that hobos don't, huh?"

"Shut up," said Millms.

* * *

**Mundelow, PA**

"Dangeresque," said Renaldo, "we've got bad news."

"Lay it on me."

"We've learned that there's a bad guy coming down her to try to take'care' of you."

"'Old peoples home' care, or 'kill' care?"

"Second one."

"It's never the first one," muttered Dangeresque.

* * *

Meanwhile, Alex and Millms had just jumped off the freight train, and paused to look at their surroundings. 

"Are you sure this is the right town?"

"Of course I am!"

"But the town's only, like, four blocks wide."

"Yes, well—"

"Cheaper."

"Cheaper, yes."

"What do you plan to do with this town?"

"Well, I plan to shut down all law enforcement here somehow, and then I can ravage the city! That is my projective! And I'm a criminal, so this is the criminal projective."

"And what will ravaging the city involve?"

"There's a CD store here, and I just need _one_ more box set to own A COPY OF EVERY SINGLE CD ON EARTH!"

"Well, yes, except for all the others. This is the first one you're getting."

"Right. Yes. Well. CD's are expensive."

"Which is why you're robbing a CD store."

"Yes."

"Okay."

* * *

"Well, here we go!" said Millms after he had found the NASA building. "NASA! I just need to somehow shut this down, and I'll be free to ravage the city!" 

"Um," said Alex, "how do you plan to do that?"

"Well, lucky I bought these scissors," said Millms. "I can just cut the power lines, and then the elevators will be stuck! And I don't see any other way of the NASA agents getting out of the building."

So he climbed up the power line pole with his scissors and snipped apart the power line.

He then fell to the ground in a smouldering heap of electrocution.

"Oww…" he muttered.

* * *

"Dangeresque!" said Renaldo as he rushed into the office. "Bad news! Someone cut the power lines! The elevators are broken! We're all trapped!" 

Dangeresque put down his milkshake.

"What the?" he said. "Trapped? Aww, man! This sucks."

"That's not all," said Renaldo. "There's someone outside trying to break into the CD store!" 

"Break into a place?" said Dangeresque. "Not on my watch!"

Dangeresque looked down at his wristwatch.

"Okay," he said. "No one breaking into anything on my watch. That's settled. Now, I have to make sure no one breaks into anything on the ground."

He paused and looked around. "Oh, man! I forgot!" said Dangeresque. "The stupid elevators!"

"How are you gonna get out of here?" asked Renaldo.

"Well, there's only one thing I _can_ do," said Dangeresque. "Look's like I'm gonna have to jump!"

He hurtled himself through the window, landed b/w jumped out of the shark pond, and ran past the gate.

* * *

Millms hummed happily to himself as he walked through the aisles of the CD store looking for the _Baron of the Bracelets_ DVD box set. 

"_Wake me up before you go-go! Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo! Wake me up before you go-go! I don't want to miss it when you hit that high!"_

"You know," muttered Alex as she walked into the store, "the door _was_ open. You didn't need to break in through the window."

"Yeah, well," said Millms, "I like it better the windowway. It makes me more criminal-type."

"I'm sure you do."

* * *

Dangeresque hurtled himself through the window of the CD store (which was, conveniently, already broken), landed on the floor, rolled across it to the bad guy, and took out his gun. He loaded it with a loud click. 

"Whoa," said Alex. "I'm not getting my fingerprints on this crime scene. I'm out of here."

She ran out of the store.

"Anyway," said Dangeresque to Millms, "you're under arrest!"

Millms wasn't listening. He was sampling one of the CD's in the player at the desk.

"Hey!" called Dangeresque. "You!"

Millms turned around so fast that the headphone cord jerked out, swung through the air, and smacked him in the face. He fell over, his head landing right on the CD player. It proceeded to explode, which caused a surge of electricity that was strong enough to both electrocute Millms enough to send him hurtling through the window and to jumpstart the security cameras back from the power failure.

The security cameras proceeded to capture this image:

A broken into store, Dangeresque holdinga gun.

And so, before anyone had any time to ask questions, Dangeresque was thrown into jail.

"Man!" said Dangeresque. "Always me!"

* * *

Dangeresque paced back and forth in his cell. 

"Man…I have got to figure out a way to get out of here," he muttered to himself.

And then he had an idea.

"That's it!" he said happily.

He punched a hole in the cardboard wall and ran out.

* * *

"_What do you get when you fall in love?"_ sang Millms as he listened to his stolen CD, horribly mishearing the words. _"You get a guy named Steve and a turtle dove...do-do-do-do-la-la-la...I'll never eat some mud again..."_

Just then, he was accosted by Dangeresque.

"Freeze!" said Dangeresque.

"What the?" said Millms. "But…you were in jail!"

"Yeah, well," said Dangeresque, "the jail was just a cardboard box. Budget cutbacks."

"Yes, of course."

And so Millms was thrown in jail (they took him the next town over, since the Mundelow jail was in the shop for repairs), and Dangeresque was let free.

* * *

**Numblingertownville Jail**

Later that day, Millms used his one phone call to call Dangeresque and tell him to come down to visit. So…he did.

"You wanted to talk to me?" said Dangeresque when he got there.

"Yes," said Millms. "One question…why is this chapter so short?"

"Well, the author hasn't worked on this thing for two months," explained Dangeresque. "and heneeded towrite anew chapter, he needed it to have the words "the criminal projective" somewhere in it, and he needed to do it quick, since the people were getting restless, so he threw together this crap in 15 minutes."

"Oh, okay," said Millms.

"Oh, and I've got a question for you," said Dangeresque.

"Yes?"

"Why didn't you call your lawyer?"

"I can't afford one."

"No, you can't," muttered Alex.

Millms stared at her.

"I don't even _know_ why you're in this story," he said in confusion.

"15 minutes isn't long enough to think up a point for her," explained Dangeresque.

"Oh, yes, right," said Millms.


End file.
